Types of Affairs

Types of Affairs
and What Causes Them

To be clear, an Affair can be defined as a sexual relationship taking place outside of a marriage or a monogamous relationship.

This can be differentiated from an Infidelity which can be defined as a disloyal or unfaithful act that may or may not include sex; such as an emotional involvement with someone outside of the relationship.

In either case the end result is a breach of trust. How partners deal with that breach and heal from it will be the subject of futures Newsletters.

However, when there is a breach couples would do well to enter therapy. The meaning of the affair needs to be understood not only so that the relationship has a chance to heal but also for the relationship to ultimately grow stronger.

1) Accidental Affairs : This type of encounter can happen when  opportunity and poor judgment are working together. It is often the result of drinking, partying too much and curiosity. Poor judgment can lead the curious partner to stray and enter the realm of the one night stand.

2) Avoiding Intimacy: A partner who has never been able to truly connect with his spouse in a deeper and meaningful way might enter an affair to maintain that distance. He/she may be unaware of  the real issue.

3) Long Term Affair: This type of affair can be ongoing for many years. It may in fact parallel the life of the marriage itself. A partner may even have offspring from such an affair. For example, a former television journalist, Charles Kuralt, was discovered to have raised an entire second family. He led this parallel life for many years and was only discovered after his death.

4) Vengeful Affairs: In this type of affair the motivation is revenge. The partner who steps out of the relationship wants to get back at the other for some perceived wrongdoing. He/she may be holding a grudge about something that happened a long time ago but was never resolved. Perhaps the unfaithful partner has been feeling unappreciated, unloved or even humiliated by the behavior of the spouse and uses this to rationalize the affair

5) Escape Affairs: Here the unfaithful partner has already decided to leave the marriage and uses the affair to make their exit. The thinking is that the marriage could not work so why not use the affair as a transition to divorce.

6) Unhappy Marriage: An affair that emerges from an unhappy or unsatisfying relationship is often one where the complaint may be poor communication, emotional disconnection, and bad sex or even separate lives. Couples frequently dismiss their dissatisfaction as a part of life, argue unproductively over it or just simply learn to live with it. Those strategies typically are not helpful.

7) Fight Phobic or Conflict Avoidant: Some partners are so fearful of causing conflict by either questioning their spouse or requesting better treatment, that they seek someone outside the relationship for relief.

8) Internet Affairs: With the advancement of technology the Internet has been the go to place for almost all things. It is easy to use, can be anonymous and has a seductive quality that can become addictive. Partners engaging in Internet Affairs can find themselves caught up with the reintroduction of a former friend through Facebook or other platforms. They can also become distracted with meeting a complete stranger online whom they might never have sex with but with whom they can carry on a secret emotional connection.

9) Narcissism or Insecurity: There are some who need to feel adored or are so insecure that they need to have sexual conquests time after time to feel good about themselves.  This type of person is often impulsive and is at higher risk to have an affair.(See Newsletter on Narcissism).

10) Sex Addiction: The term addiction as it relates to sex is really meant to describe a compulsive behavior (see Newsletter on Sex Addiction). Sex is used to cope with feelings of extreme anxiety, emptiness or a deep emotional wound. Sexually compulsive individuals have very poor impulse control and are at high risk for having affairs.

An Affair does not have to end a relationship. It needs to be evaluated in the context of both partner’s lives together. Seeking help when an Affair is discovered can make the difference between catastrophe and reconciliation.

If you or anyone you know is dealing with this very sensitive issue you can call or email me for a confidential consultation.

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Curb Your Criticism

Why We Criticize …by Stan Hyman, PhD, LCSW

We criticize others and ourselves for many reasons.

We may be angry or frustrated: You may have had a bad day and end up criticizing harshly in a misdirected way of taking out your frustration. This is often done in a reflexive, knee jerk fashion and is almost always regrettable because the criticized person frequently feels unfairly targeted.

We may have an ego problem: Some people want to show how smart or powerful they are by putting others down and criticizing their performance. When arrogance drives criticism it generally serves no constructive purpose whatsoever.

We are simply being hurtful: In this case the motive is vengeance. We have decided that we want to hurt (emotionally) the person we are criticizing. It is not pretty but it can be a reason.

We may want things done differently: If you are an employer you may want your employee to do a task differently. You may not have been happy with the results and want to change the way things are being done at the workplace.

We may want to help a person to improve: We may give an honest opinion in the form of feedback, wanting to help a person get better at something. When done in a supportive fashion such as offering a suggestion, the criticism may not only be acceptable but can also be appreciated.

If you are going to criticize someone think about your reason for doing so. (See my Newsletter on Emotional Intelligence).

Are you angry and want to hurt the person? Are you frustrated and want to lash out at someone? Are you showing off? Do you want to help?

Criticism can be constructive and helpful. If you have been accused of being too critical here are some ways you can curb your criticism.

Be Positive: We typically think of criticism as being negative. If stated in a way that points out possible options and supports the person, it can be seen as quite positive. For example: “I don’t think that couch looks good in that corner” can be restated as, “The room looks good, nice job. What do you think about placing the couch over there”? If you have thought about your intent for offering criticism and actually want the person to appreciate your idea, then think about stating it in a positive way.

Make a Suggestion: In the example above a question is used to infer a suggestion instead of simply making a critical remark. Criticisms are sometimes perceived as assaults or attacks. This is especially true when offered to a particularly sensitive person or one who is easily made to feel defensive. This can be done in a conversational way, using the simple question, “Would it be ok with you if I made a suggestion”? If your intention is to help improve the person’s performance then engaging in suggestion making rather than criticizing can set a better tone for accomplishing that objective.

Be Specific: Focus on the task or the project when offering your thoughts. Never focus on the person. If a household budget was the subject for example, a statement like: “You were never very good at math” will not score you points in likeability. If you said that to your child or your spouse they would likely not feel good about themselves or you for that matter. If however, you were to say: “Budgets can be tricky and if you would like my help I would happy to help you” you set the tone for dialogue.

Be Compassionate: Recognize how you might feel if someone were to criticize you in a harsh, aggressive or mean-spirited manner. Most of us have a difficult time accepting any kind of criticism, even if it is well intentioned. Unless you are gentle in your approach, make suggestions that come from kindness and are well put, your remarks may get perceived as attacks and result in negative consequences.

If in doubt…wait! If you have an urge to criticize someone and are not sure how to say it, wait and think it through before saying anything. The compelling feeling that whatever you are about to say needs to be said right then, may be driven by one of those negative motives mentioned above. You want to be sure of your intention and what you would like to see as your outcome.

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Sex Addiction

What is Sex Addiction?

From a strict medical perspective an addiction is a compulsive physiological need for and use of a habit-forming substance (such as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol).  A person’s system builds a tolerance and, if he suddenly stops using, he has clear negative physiological symptoms which we call withdrawal.

By that definition having excessive amounts of sex is not an addiction because there is no substance being taken. However, in the complex world of modern society we have come to view this compulsive behavior as an addiction.

The features that make this type of behavior an addiction are that: 1) the individual seems not to be able to control the sexual behavior, and:  2) the sexual behavior has significant harmful consequences and continues despite these consequences. These features are the same for any compulsive or addictive behavior.

There is a strong psychological component that drives the sexually compulsive person. The sex addict typically has never been able to regulate his feelings so he engages in sexual behavior to cope. Often substances are also used to medicate his feelings. Sex is a type of coping mechanism to soothe  or relieve the intensity of these feelings.

The sex addict can be a narcissist (see newsletter on Narcissism) totally self  involved and self absorbed. Or he can be covertly depressed, unable to be in touch with the forces that drive him. Research tends to show that there are  more male sex addicts than female.

Generally the sex addict has very little romantic or love connection to the person with whom he is having sex. He also does not necessarily get a true sense of satisfaction from the sex itself. He is disconnected from the more human and social side of the sexual act and more driven by the satisfaction he gets from the stress relief that orgasm brings.

The neurological and biological reinforcement of endorphins and other feel good chemicals being released upon orgasm temporarily calm or soothe the addict. This powerful physiological component keeps him returning to the same behavior over and over again despite the consequences.

A sexually addicted person is trying to cope with feelings of emptiness, depression or intense anxiety. If he is unable to manage these feelings, he will look for sex to provide relief.

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Building A Great Relationship

Building a Great Relationship

Going from dating to beginning a new relationship can be very exciting. There is generally a lot of chemistry that is involved at this stage. Sometimes the chemistry is misleading, that is to say that the physical attraction you feel may override your good sense. Therefore, if you are interested in building a good relationship from the start, I recommend you read on.

Know what you want…what is your criteria?
This is generally good advice for whatever you do but is particularly applicable to forming a good relationship. Make a list of characteristics you believe are important to you. These will be your criteria. Think about each of those characteristics very carefully to make sure that they are significant. Rate each one on a 1 to 5 scale, 1 being the least important and 5 being the most. Now rate your partner. You can rate him or her again later but this first rating will help to guide you.

Be authentic.
If you want honesty, integrity and a real connection to another human being you must be genuine. I mentioned this point in the previous article but it is important enough to bear repeating and elaboration. It is one thing to embellish a little and quite another to start out lying. This is not to say that you must tell all that is personal and private. In fact it is a good idea to tell a little at a time. However, to misrepresent can lead to embarrassment and regret later. Be real. Be honest. Be authentic.

Be a good listener.
If you want to get to know someone well, you must ask good questions and be prepared to listen to the answers. Someone once said that since we have two ears and only one mouth we should probably listen twice as much as we speak. Interrupting, looking around, getting distracted and not focusing on what the other is saying gives the impression that you’re really not interested. Paying attention to someone is both respectful and complimentary.

Be thoughtful about your responses.
Consider what you are about to say. I am not suggesting that you measure every word but that you think about what you really want to say. For example: Do you want to encourage the person to continue talking about a particular subject? Do you want to show compassion or empathy for him or her? Is what you are about to say meant to change the subject? Are you saying something simply to fill a silent moment? Be careful not to jump into disagreements, criticisms or arguments. Think before you speak! Words can destroy as well as build trust and confidence so choose them wisely.

Be positive!
We have all met people who focus on the negative things in their life. They are considered to have “negative energy” and conversations with them are often dark, gloomy and exhausting. Other people seem to have an upbeat, positive attitude about life and conversations with them tend to be energizing and uplifting. If you want to build a great relationship you need to start by being positive.

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Every Couple Needs To Learn

10 Things Every Couple  Needs To Learn.

1) Know the difference between Wants & Expectations!
This topic alone will likely be the subject of an entire Newsletter in the future. Simply put however, partners will often make the mistake of expecting something they want and then faulting the other for not giving it to them. To expect means to assume or count on whereas to want is to desire or crave. Expectations of each other are frequently assumed because they are often based on behaviors that have been experienced in the past. Wants are often hopes that may or may not have been expressed clearly. It is comforting to know what to expect and sometimes unfair to expect that the other knows what you want.

2) Promote dialogue.
Communication means exchange, discussion and conversation between partners. For this to be effective each partner needs to listen attentively, speak without threatening and emphasize the positive.

3) Be clear.
If you are not sure about what you want from your partner, get clear before you bring it up. If you are dissatisfied and want things to get better then it is your responsibility to identify the issue(s) so that you can talk about them.  If you are going through a personal struggle that is not due to your relationship, let your partner know about it so that she/he does not feel left out of your life.

4) Be considerate.
This is a “no-brainer”! Being accommodating, attentive, patient and thoughtful goes a long way in creating a loving atmosphere where each partner is getting their needs met.

5) Be tolerant.
If you are difficult to get along with and have been getting worse over time, learn some tolerance quickly! Tolerance falls into the category of forgiveness and benevolence. Being tolerant of others is an admirable attribute that works well in a relationship.

6) Take responsibility.
When a couple is not getting along there will often be a lot of pointing fingers and blaming. Be ready to accept your end of any situation. Be careful because the first tendency you will have is to defend yourself…don’t! If you want harmony in your relationship, get over yourself and take the heat.

7) Agree to disagree.
Couples will often fall into the trap of thinking there has to be a resolution to every argument or disagreement. Wrong! One partner can respectfully disagree with the other. If an issue demands that there be a decision made then some form of negotiation should be entered into. You may need some outside help if there is a deadlock.

8) Show affection.
Let’s face it, everybody wants to be loved. Affection comes in all forms. Say nice things to each other, smile, touch, kiss, do something your partner likes, buy a small present or send a card.  It feels good when someone you care about shows they care about you.

9) Employ humor.
When people are dating they laugh, carry on and have fun with each other. Somehow the weight of everyday life gets in the way of enjoying each other’s company. If you have lost your sense of humor…try finding it again! Don’t let yourself get too serious…it tends to dull the relationship.

10) Don’t say everything!
I know I will get some unfriendly comments about this one but I believe it to be true. I am not suggesting you be dishonest. I am only saying here that it is sometimes wiser to examine what you are about to say for the effect it might have on your partner. Simply blurting something out because you are anxious, angry or feeling guilty without thinking about the consequences may not be in the best interest of your relationship at that moment.

If you are not already employing these strategies I strongly suggest that you begin to do so immediately. If you are already doing most of these things I congratulate you!

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Serious Love Relationships

There are many reasons for getting into a serious love relationship (marriage). I think most would agree that humans need and want love and companionship. Choosing a partner to fulfill that need over the long haul however can be tricky.

Strong chemistry between a man and a woman is a wonderful stimulant. It can be the driving force for making decisions about the future. But chemistry alone does not necessarily predict the success of a relationship. In fact it can cloud one’s thinking, especially if self knowledge is lacking.

When people are unaware of what really motivates them they are more likely to make errors in judgment about life partner choices. People are shaped emotionally by their early life experiences. Becoming aware of what emotional engine drives you can be quite valuable.

For example, if a person’s early family dynamics created an environment where feelings of insecurity and unpredictability prevailed, that person might become unreasonably jealous or insecure as an adult in a serious love relationship. Ironically, in fact, he might even choose a partner who makes him feel insecure because the feeling is familiar.

Understanding yourself and what you really need in a long term love relationship will help you increase your odds for finding the right partner. You may choose the wrong partner as a result of not realizing your tendency to want to recreate situations in which you can experience old familiar feelings.

For example, a family where conflict or disagreements were treated harshly, where anger and acrimony prevailed instead of respectful understanding or consideration of the other’s point of view, could produce a person who leaves or withdraws from a relationship at the first sign of conflict. That practice may have been the only defense available to him. However as an adult, that behavior can destroy a couple’s chance for intimacy to develop. How can a couple grow without working through the inevitable disagreements they will ultimately have?

Another example is a person whose family disappointed him by being unavailable emotionally when he needed them, creating doubt about the reliability of others. This doubt can translate into the inability to trust causing distance and insecurity between partners.

There are various examples of this type of partnering. Some would argue that partners choose each other to help them work out personal issues created during their childhood. In fact, a healthy relationship affords both partners a good opportunity for doing exactly that.

It may not be too late to examine the motivations that drove you into your relationship. When an individual realizes that he/she is in a serious love relationship (or marriage) that is not going well, and still has strong loving feelings for their partner, it is time to become introspective. It is also time to make personal changes; changes that might help resolve those nagging issues once and for all.

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