This idea is really another way of “looking ahead” or planning for the future. It can apply to relationships as easily as it applies to business.

Spouses having problems with their relationship will often become frustrated, angry or even depressed. If there is a breakdown in  communication leaving partners unable to express themselves without feeling threatened or misunderstood,  there is  trauma to the relationship and the couple is in crisis.

Planning ahead for this type of event may seem a little morbid and negative to some couples who are getting along just fine. However it can be a useful exercise to  consider what you should do if there was such a breakdown. Here are some tips to help you manage through a crisis.

Short-circuit the crisis: This may seem like a no brainer but many partners have admitted after the fact that they did see a breakdown coming but did not take action soon enough. It could be pride, fear or denial that might get in the way of good judgment. Don’t let that happen. Be proactive and pay attention to warning signs.

Stabilize the situation: If you can’t short-circuit it than try maintaining a balanced approach. Stabilizing the conflict before it becomes a crisis prevents it from escalating into a very regrettable situation. You would benefit from recognizing possible problems in advance and agree with each other about the steps you might take to de-escalate.
Get an aerial view ASAP: You want to be able to evaluate how things really are by stepping back as soon as possible. Ask yourself the following questions: Am I making too much of this? How strongly do I need to react to make my point? Will my reaction benefit both of us (or all of us)? What is my true objective?

Look for the positive spin: Most successful people (couples included) look for the positive aspects of any situation. Cliché’s like “every cloud has a silver lining”, “this too shall pass” and “where there’s life there’s hope” all convey the idea that the longer, more positive view is always more constructive. There may be a tendency to cycle downward into gloom and negativity…fight it!

Have a “rabbi”: Have someone who you trust and respect to confer with when things become problematic. If you find yourself confused and unable to think clearly about important matters you need to be able to talk to someone who can remain objective. If you have nobody who fits that description find a therapist or life coach quickly.

Take action…only when ready: If you are not sure about what to do in a crisis, do nothing until you are ready. Don’t be hasty. You will likely need to take some action but be as clear as possible about what your objective is and if the action you are about to take will accomplish it.

Keep an open mind: Be flexible, not stubborn. There is no glory in being too stubborn for your own good (or for anybody else’s good). The only way to get the benefit of an aerial view is to be open minded about what you are actually seeing. Don’t let your ego get in the way of avoiding or de-escalating a crisis.

From a strict medical perspective an addiction is a compulsive physiological need for and use of a habit-forming substance (such as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol).  A person’s system builds a tolerance and, if he suddenly stops using, he has clear negative physiological symptoms which we call withdrawal.

By that definition having excessive amounts of sex is not an addiction because there is no substance being taken. However, in the complex world of modern society we have come to view this compulsive behavior as an addiction.

The features that make this type of behavior an addiction are that: 1) the individual seems not to be able to control the sexual behavior, and:  2) the sexual behavior has significant harmful consequences and continues despite these consequences. These features are the same for any compulsive or addictive behavior.

There is a strong psychological component that drives the sexually compulsive person. The sex addict typically has never been able to regulate his feelings so he engages in sexual behavior to cope. Often substances are also used to medicate his feelings. Sex is a type of coping mechanism to soothe  or relieve the intensity of these feelings.

The sex addict can be a narcissist (see newsletter on Narcissism) totally self  involved and self absorbed. Or he can be covertly depressed, unable to be in touch with the forces that drive him. Research tends to show that there are  more male sex addicts than female.

Generally the sex addict has very little romantic or love connection to the person with whom he is having sex. He also does not necessarily get a true sense of satisfaction from the sex itself. He is disconnected from the more human and social side of the sexual act and more driven by the satisfaction he gets from the stress relief that orgasm brings.

The neurological and biological reinforcement of endorphins and other feel good chemicals being released upon orgasm temporarily calm or soothe the addict. This powerful physiological component keeps him returning to the same behavior over and over again despite the consequences.

A sexually addicted person is trying to cope with feelings of emptiness, depression or intense anxiety. If he is unable to manage these feelings, he will look for sex to provide relief.

Treating depression early and effectively can prevent it from becoming more severe and lasting longer. The type of depression a person is suffering with will determine the best choice for treatment.

Major Depression and Dysthymia can be treated with both psychotherapy and medication. Most people respond well to these in combination. Psychotherapy should focus on learning coping strategies, problem solving skills, challenging negative mindsets and changing critical as well as pessimistic thought patterns. Improvement comes when a person begins to feel empowered and more in control of his life (and emotions).
Supportive therapy should also be used to help address painful feelings of hopelessness and despair. However this type of therapy should be a part of the treatment and not the only method.

Medication is an option with major depression. Antidepressant medication can often help to relieve the painful impact of symptoms such as the inability to concentrate or sleep, inability to work, control emotions or make decisions necessary to effectively conduct everyday life.

Antidepressants work by increasing the availability and level of certain neurotransmitters in the brain. Neurotransmitters carry information to the different parts of the brain.  These chemicals and their levels of availability affect the range of moods we experience.

In severe cases of depression where other forms of treatment have not helped, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) may be recommended. In this type of therapy electric current is passed through the brain of the patient while under anesthesia causing convulsive seizures to occur for about 15 seconds each. ECT has been shown to be effective, especially as a treatment of last resort, but its side effects can include some memory loss and disorientation.

The treatment of Bipolar Disorder will most likely include medication. As explained in the previous article, this is a very serious and disabling mental illness. It is chronic and manic episodes followed by depressive episodes are likely to recur if treatment is not ongoing.

Lithium and anti-convulsive medications such as Depakote, Lamictil and Neurontin are often used in combination to achieve mood stabilization. Getting the patient on the best combination of medication is both science and art and can be trying for the patient and his family.

People with bipolar disorder are sometimes discouraged by the difficult task of keeping their moods in check over long periods of time. The patient sometimes complains that the edge or “high” he used to enjoy feeling has been replaced by a different mood, one he may interpret as being flat and boring.

When this occurs he may stop taking the medication and go back to “cycling” through his moods again. That is why long-term counseling that includes the monitoring of the patient’s medication, moods, sleep patterns and general health is often critical in maintaining control over bipolar disorder.

Postpartum Depression has similar symptoms to major depression. If left untreated the consequences of postpartum depression can be dire. The attachment bond that is so important for a child’s healthy development will likely not occur if mother is not getting the help she needs.

Treatment here should be multifaceted and involve the entire immediate family. Counseling should educate the family members and enlist them to help more around the home. Individual therapy is necessary to help the mother learn and implement the coping skills that are so important for her new role.

The option for medication needs to be weighed against the severity of the depression. If a mother is breast feeding for example, taking medication can be dangerous to the health of the baby. The same problem exists when hormone replacement therapy is recommended.

With proper treatment postpartum depression will often lift in a matter of months.

Self help

In addition to getting professional help there are several things a person can do to improve his mood.

Exercise: Any activity, however mild it might be, can lift the spirit.

Friends & Family: Having one or more close friends or family members to confide in and spend time with helps to prevent isolation.

Reduce stressors: Limit your responsibilities and only do tasks that won’t overwhelm you. (See article on Stress Busting Basics)

Postpone making big decisions: Your objectivity and judgment are most likely to be affected by your depression. Refrain from making important decisions until you feel better.

Force yourself to do things with friends.

There is a distinction between having a Gender Identity Disorder (GID) and some of the other types of sexual/behavioral disorders. Some individuals with GID may ultimately decide to have Sexual Reassignment Surgery (SRS) thereby becoming transsexual.

 People will sometimes confuse transvestites with transsexuals. The difference is significant.

Transvestites and Fetishism

A transvestite is a heterosexual male who dresses in women’s clothing (cross-dresser). Some men dress this way to earn their livings as female impersonators. They perform in drag in nightclubs and cabarets around the world but might very well dress as men when they are not working. They may or may not be gay or homosexual.

However, those transvestites with a fetish (a sexual or emotional attachment to an inanimate object) get a strong sexual arousal when they dress in women’s clothing. They will frequently be married men and are sexually attracted to females.

Technically they are considered to have a Transvestic Fetish, which means that they experience strong sexual urges and a compelling need to wear women’s clothes. A transvestite with this type of fetish will often desire to be seen in public as a woman, even though he does not identify himself as female.

Married transvestites will frequently wear their wives’ clothing but may also have a secret stash of their own. They are generally plagued with shame and guilt about their behavior and terribly fearful of being discovered and rejected by their spouse.

Treatment for this type of disorder is rarely sought by the individual. It is usually when the spouse becomes aware and is conflicted about accepting her husband’s behavior that the couple may decide to seek therapy.

Gender Identity Disorder and Sex Change

A person with Gender Identity Disorder has strong and persistent cross-gender identification.

Early onset of symptoms such as: behaving and/or dressing more like a member of the opposite sex; expressing a desire to be a member of the opposite sex; hating one’s own genitals; being rejected from one’s peer group because of behavior that is different from same sex peers can lead to withdrawal and depression early on in a person’s life.

 This problem seems to occur more in males than females. It also appears early in childhood often about 4 or 5 years of age, strongly suggesting chromosomal and/or hormonal abnormalities during fetal development.

The person with GID is conflicted or disgusted with his own body. He has a persistent and compelling desire to behave and identify with the opposite sex. If he dresses like a female it is not because of sexual arousal like the tranvestic fetish but more because he sees himself as female and rejects his male sexual parts.

As he grows older his depression over being trapped in the wrong body may cause him to seek Sexual Reassignment Surgery.  This type of surgery can be both from male to female or from female to male.

This process, if done clinically correct, should take a long time, perhaps 2 or more years before SRS is approved. It would include intense counseling or psychotherapy, education, hormone treatments, and time for the patient to experience what it would be like to be a member of the opposite sex by “passing” as such in everyday life. 

 This treatment is often expensive and demands patience and commitment. A therapist will generally work with a physician to insure that all aspects of the process, including hormone treatment are being appropriately addressed.

If the patient is hasty and chooses to have SRS before he is ready he may end up regretting his decision, potentially causing himself irreversible harm.

If you or anyone you know needs more information on this issue please contact me.

Some websites that offer information and support for anyone dealing with this issue are:

http://www.transalliancesociety.org/index.html
http://www.genderadvocates.org/links/national.html
http://www.masstpc.org/mediawiki/index.php?title=Transgender_Specific_National/Statewide_Activist_Organizations

Painful emotions and destructive behaviors that have been caused by these traumas are often eliminated when the mind becomes clear and free of anguish. People feel more energetic, liberated and ready to live their lives unrestricted by the negative emotional baggage of the past.

The treatment does not require reliving the pain of the past, having strong willpower or doing homework between sessions. There is no unusual effort that is required on the part of the patient as the process of healing happens automatically when the mind adjusts and becomes cleared.

What is Emotional or Psychological Trauma?

An event or situation that is life threatening can cause a person to feel overwhelmed, distressed or confused. Emotional or psychological trauma (traumatic stress) results from an event or experience that causes physical, emotional or psychological distress or harm.

The event or experience often happens unexpectedly when one is unprepared. A person is caught off guard and feels powerless. The individual becomes unable to cope or integrate the thoughts and emotions triggered by the event.

The trauma could have happened in childhood or adulthood. Although the event itself is over, the person still feels the effects. The effects are generally disturbing and continue to bother a person for many years.

The effects of traumatic stress can lead to: anxiety, depression, substance abuse, food addiction, sleep problems (including nightmares), promiscuity and panic attacks. Some identify these symptoms as Post Traumatic Stress as in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

What Can Be Resolved?

Distress resulting from any of the many types of problems that may have been caused by psychological or emotional trauma (traumatic stress):

    * Panic Attacks
    * Rape
    * Incest
    * Substance Abuse
    * Addictions
    * Phobias
    * Anger and Rage
    * Nightmares
    * Flashbacks and PTSD
    * Death of a loved one (frozen grief)
    * War and Combat
    * Violence

How Does RRT Work?

The subconscious mind holds the key to so many of our mysteries. It controls emotions, memory, habits, dreams and responses that are automatic. A person may consciously understand that he would like to change unwanted feelings or behaviors but feels stuck and unable to make those changes happen.

Rapid Resolution Therapy with Clinical Hypnosis identifies targets and then clears conflicts which may have been blocked but have been causing negative and unwanted thoughts, feelings and behaviors in a person’s life. The treatment facilitates a transformation to occur in the mind that can change a person’s life for the better and end many years of suffering.

This method of treating trauma and its effects usually works more quickly than other methods. Sessions therefore are often longer in time allotted but less frequent in number.

I became interested enough to take a 3 day training in the method and I was really impressed. I saw videotapes of people who had experienced severe trauma such as rape, battery and other abuse as well as an emergency medical worker who had been at ground zero during 9/11. The results were stunning!

This method is unlike any other trauma treatment I have come across in that it is painless, requires very little work from the client and resolves trauma quickly. The method is elegant and gentle and does not cause the type of “reliving” experience other methods tend to use. In fact the client does not relive the experience but becomes indifferent to the effects of the experience. It is quite remarkable to see.

I have been using some of the principles I learned from my initial training with really positive results. These methods can be used to resolve feelings of guilt, shame, rage, PTSD, phobias, anxiety and other types of problems.

I will be taking the advanced training at the beginning of June and will be offering this treatment in my practice. Stay tuned.

Stan Hyman, LCSW

Despite this fact we are driven to believe that we have a “right” to be happy; as if someone or something is in charge of all the happiness in the world and is keeping it from us. We seem to believe that finding happiness requires great effort but are not sure how or where to acquire it. It is as though happiness can somehow be collected, like a trophy.

So what is this incessant search for happiness about?

It would appear that some of us believe that finding happiness is akin to having some great epiphany or religious experience…a great white light enters your body and suddenly you are at last happy! So we search frenetically to find it hoping for some type of powerful, amazing and magical experience.

We look for the experience of a lifetime hoping that it will bring us happiness. We buy faster cars, eat at fancier restaurants, search for the “perfect” love partner, purchase more expensive clothes take more extravagant vacations all in the hope that having or doing more will bring more happiness.

Our society has shown every sign of having placed greater value on not being satisfied with what we have and therefore always wanting more. The emphasis we place on getting more creates an atmosphere of low level dissatisfaction in having less. Therefore despite what we do we are always in a somewhat quiet state of unhappiness or disharmony.

Unless we can find a sort of peace in “just being” (some achieve in the practice of meditation) we are always going to feel that we are at the lower end of the happiness continuum,  feeling restless and discontent.

Why not just accept it?

The idea that all humans experience ups and downs seems elementary but some in the self-help, self growth happiness industry would have you believe otherwise (at least that is the impression one gets).

They want you to believe that you “should’ be happy. That it is your right, you deserve it and if you try hard enough you will have it. The problem is that the more you “try” to be happy the more likely it is that you will feel miserable when you don’t get that wow experience.

We live in a world where, unlike our ancestors, most of our basic needs are met. We no longer need to focus on hunting for food and fending off predators (maybe creditors, but not predators).

We would probably be better off if we were able to just sit back and say, “We have most of what we need and we feel pretty happy about it” but instead we are driven by the need for more.

Anyone who has had the simple pleasure of looking at the ocean, spending time with loved ones, reading a good book or enjoying a beautiful day knows what it feels like to be happy.

There is no mystery to knowing happiness, it is available any time you want it. The myth is to think that it can only be achieved through making an expensive purchase, winning the lottery or taking some great trek through the universe.

Trust is defined as a firm reliance on the integrity or character of a person. It is also the ability to have faith and confidence in someone’s word or intentions.

We build trust in each other over time. It is a subtle thing that gets created when we share experiences, help each other in times of need and prove to each other that we will actually do what we say we will do.

Some of us are more trusting than others. We will extend ourselves and give the other the benefit of the doubt. However, most of us, especially when we are in a relationship, grow to have expectations of each other. There is a sense of comfort and security we get when we think we know that our partner is trustworthy. We need to have this feeling for intimacy to grow.

When trust is damaged there is a powerful, sometimes overwhelming feeling of betrayal. The betrayal can come from almost any form of dishonesty or disloyalty of one partner to the other. Obviously infidelity stacks up at the top of the list but lying and hiding important information can also cause trust to fragment.

When this occurs there is always despair, regret and hopefully remorse. If a couple is willing to work through the mistakes there is a good possibility that trust can be restored. Trust must be earned though; it is not something one is automatically entitled to. Therefore, the party who has breached the trust must be willing to rebuild it no matter what it takes. That requires a strong commitment, not just from the partner that breached the trust but from the other partner as well.

What follows are some tips that can help you travel the road back to rebuilding trust.

1) Talk about your expectations of each other.

Each of you must now decide if the rules of the relationship need to be changed. If so, which is the likely scenario, you both must agree to those changes. Before the trust was breached things were OK the way they were. However, now that there is suspicion and distrust changes have to take place.

2) Agree on the specifics.

Now that you have agreed that the rules have changed you need to agree on what changes will be made. If a partner has had an affair, for example, the betrayed partner may want an itinerary of the betrayer whenever he or she is away from home, a promise to call more often or at specific times of the day and a willingness to answer any and all questions. There is no getting around this one. The betrayer must get into the spirit of making amends. He/she needs to show the other how important this is. If the breech involved withholding of information or intentionally giving the wrong information, the betrayed partner may want a full and open accounting of everything. No more secrets.

3) Deliver more than you promise.

In an effort to build trust, reconcile and get back in the good graces of your partner you might find yourself promising to do almost anything. You may have good intentions but be unable to deliver. That is not to say you shouldn’t stretch yourself a little. However, it is always better to promise only as much as you are sure you can make good on and then make every effort to do more than you promised. The process of rebuilding trust is fragile. You can seriously compound the damage by not delivering on your promises.

4) Be consistent.

Changing behavior requires persistence and consistency. The betrayed partner has to believe that the other partner is truly changing, not just for the short term but for the long haul. It is imperative that there is a strong commitment to change or it will be impossible to break an old pattern and make new behaviors stick.

5) Have a strong commitment and a positive attitude toward change.

Rebuilding trust is not easy. In fact it is very hard to do. Partners have to suspend their disbelief that things can change and that they will once again be trusting and happy together. This process requires a strong commitment from both partners. The betrayed partner has to be willing to encourage the other at some point to show that there is hope and that forgiveness is possible.

These are just a few examples of the things a couple can do to get the rebuilding process started. Couples needs to examine what is at stake and commit to making changes if they are to succeed.

The truth is that trying to impress each other, especially members of the opposite sex, is as old as mankind. Humans impressed and attracted each other in order to survive. After all Mother Nature mandated that we reproduce… but that was before birth control. In today’s world reproduction may be of interest to some but not to everyone.

Nowadays each person gets to decide what is important to him or her when seeking a mate. The first step in this process is dating. For the purposes of this article I will define dating very simply as going out socially with another person often when there is a romantic interest.

What follows are some basic principles to keep in mind to help make dating easier.

Dating is a sorting process.
Recognize that in order to find a good, compatible partner you may have to sort through several who are only fair or even not so fair candidates. Keep that in mind so that you don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

Dating can be enjoyable.
If you are just going out socially with someone why not relax and enjoy yourself? The tendency to try to impress your date may be strong but don’t let this feeling overwhelm you. It is important to keep in mind that even though everyone tries to “perform” at their best on a date, it is not the Olympics! Your performance will not be seen by millions.

Dating is not life threatening!
This may sound silly but many daters are so concerned about how they will appear that they cause themselves unnecessary anxiety and sometimes even panic. Most likely, the day after your date life will go on as usual. A date is a date and nothing more. Keep that thought uppermost in your mind to maintain a balanced perspective.

Be yourself but not full of yourself.
Okay, you are trying to impress your date so you exaggerate your accomplishments and your importance in the world. What’s the harm in that? Well, that depends on how much you exaggerate and whether you are pretending to be someone you’re not. If you start down that slippery path you may be sabotaging yourself. Humility and integrity happen to be attractive characteristics.

Read the next article, Building A Great Relationship, for tips on how get the relationship you want.